In the room of darkness
I was fighting and struggling to breathe
questioning myself whether to tell someone or not
convinced my mind, it’s normal
It’s just a disease like any other
It’s just depression.

So I told them,
When I was having dinner with maa and papa
I gulped a glass of water,
and with eyes down I said,I am depressed.
They heard it and continued eating.
Again I said,I think I am under depression.
This time Papa looked into my eye and asked,
What is it? Is this any sort of headache?
I didn’t know what to say then.
Being from middle class family I should understand that,
there is no word like depression, anxiety or stress for us
still i thought i should try to make them understand.
They will save me
I said,
I don’t feel anything
it’s like there is an empty space within me
which feels like,there is something missing all the time
night seems dark than darker and days are like black hole
sometimes i feel lot of aggression and anger,and at the same time i feel like
Nothing is going well
Now Maa spoke,
Beta,it’s nothing,just homesickness.
Now that you’re home,you’ll be okay
I shouted,
I don’t want to be okay.I want to be happy.

I don’t feel home anywhere.
I feel like I should jump from 9th floor of the building,
and end this weeks and months of emptiness
and go sleep forever.
and ever and ever
They were staring at me.

– Vikash Kumar